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About Jon
Thank You For Not ...

1) using profanity or any euphemisms for profanity
2) personally attacking other commenters
3) baiting other commenters
4) arguing for the sake of arguing
5) discussing politics
6) using hyperbole when something less will suffice
7) using sarcasm in a way that can be misinterpreted negatively
8) making the same point over and over again
9) typing "no-hitter" or "perfect game" to describe either in progress
10) being annoyed by the existence of this list
11) commenting under the obvious influence
12) claiming your opinion isn't allowed when it's just being disagreed with

Cyrano D'Elimination
2003-09-26 09:16
by Jon Weisman
Note: The Dodger Thoughts blog has moved to the Los Angeles Times.

With apologies to Edmond Rostand...

THE VISCOUNT (with a conceited air): Sir, your team is ... hmm ... it is ... very disappointing!
CYRANO (gravely): Very!
THE VISCOUNT (laughing): Ha!
CYRANO (imperturbably): Is that all?
THE VISCOUNT: What do you mean?
CYRANO: Ah no! young blade! That was a trifle short!
You might have said at least a hundred things
By varying the tone ... like this, suppose, ...
Aggressive: "If I had such a team, I'd destroy it!"
Friendly: "Return to our league; you are welcome most anytime."
Descriptive: "Such roadkill ... such sweet roadkill ..."
Curious: "For scholars of the future, do tell us - how do you manage to watch others play in October, anon?"
Gracious: "Pray, thank you for your kindness to the little Marlins."
Truculent: "Your offense does indeed offend."
Considerate: "Do take this Brian Jordan bobblehead doll, as a proper remembrance."
Tender: "Ah, sweet March, with such promise, seems so long ago."
Pedantic: "Excuse me for saying, from this point of vantage, you might future-focus on on-base percentage."
Cavalier: "Ah, well, it's only a game, that you spend your whole lives pursuing."
Emphatic: " 'Tis no disappointment - you were never that good."
Dramatic: "Out. Out. OUT!"
Admiring: "Even with Monsieur Gagne, tout est perdu. Impressive."
Lyric: "Swing low, sweet batter. Coming for not to carry me home."
Simple: "You needed to manufacture runs."
Rustic: "How well you betray the lovely green fields."
Military: "We have found the weapons of minimal destruction!"
Practical: "This foundation, upon can one build,
Assuming one doth not stare deep and be illed,
And rend management contracts so carefully quilled
That might long run help, should one take a pill chilled."

--Such, my dear sir, is what you might have said,
Had you of wit or letters the least jot:
But, O most lamentable man!--of wit
You never had an atom, and of letters
You have three letters only!--they spell Ass!

And--had you had the necessary wit,
To serve me all the pleasantries I quote
Before this noble audience ... e'en so,
You would not have been let to utter one--
Nay, not the half or quarter of such jest!
I take them from myself all in good part,
But not from any other man that breathes!

(No, in my part, I didn't keep the meter. Include that in my apologies to Edmond.)

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