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About Jon
Thank You For Not ...

1) using profanity or any euphemisms for profanity
2) personally attacking other commenters
3) baiting other commenters
4) arguing for the sake of arguing
5) discussing politics
6) using hyperbole when something less will suffice
7) using sarcasm in a way that can be misinterpreted negatively
8) making the same point over and over again
9) typing "no-hitter" or "perfect game" to describe either in progress
10) being annoyed by the existence of this list
11) commenting under the obvious influence
12) claiming your opinion isn't allowed when it's just being disagreed with

The Fake Game - Play Ball!
2005-06-30 09:14
by Jon Weisman

Weather permitting. Forecast is for clear skies with 10 percent chance of snow.

Update: It was a most memorable day and evening of fake baseball ...

4 p.m.: A quiet morning erupted into an uproarious afternoon here in Los Angeles. Milton Bradley has experienced a sudden recovery to his injured finger and has been activated from the disabled list. Scott Erickson has been released to create a roster spot.

Oh, and it turns out the Pedro Martinez-Delino DeShields trade never happened - and, that the Dodgers actually won a coin flip with Seattle and drafted Alex Rodriguez with the first overall pick in 1993, ahead of Darren Dreifort. Both Martinez and Rodriguez join the Dodgers tonight and, as reparations, will be paid at their 1993 salaries.

To make room for the All-Star pair, Oscar Robles has been lent away for the Mexican League playoffs, and Scott Erickson has again been released. That's right, Scott Erickson - the player so nice, they replaced him twice.

The Dodgers have also called up Joel Guzman from the minor leagues for tonight's game, sending Rick Monday down to Jacksonville. The Dodger broadcaster requested the move to be closer to his Vero Beach home.

Finally, in a three-way deal, it has been confirmed that the Dodgers reacquired catcher Mike Piazza, then sent him to the Bears for late-blooming outfielder Timmy Lupus. Lupus will be on the Dodger bench tonight, filling the role of Jason Repko, who has been placed on the 15-hour disabled list with a bruised goatee. To fulfill their role in the deal, the Dodgers parted ways with Scott Erickson.

A few snowflakes have fallen on this final day of June at beautiful Dodger Stadium, coating the advertisements around the park in a lovely white, but we do expect to get the game in.

Here are tonight's starting lineups:

For the visiting Bad News Bears …
Tanner Boyle, SS3010
Ahmad Abdul Rahim, LF2110
Kelly Leak, CF3121
"Slim" Engleberg, C2000
Mike Piazza, 1B2111
Rudi Stein, 3B2000
Jose Agilar, 2B2000
-Linus Van Pelt, 2B0000
"Specs" Ogilvie, RF 2000
Amanda Whurlitzer, P1010
-Charlie Brown, P0000

For the host Los Angeles Dodgers …
Milton Bradley, CF3010
J.D. Drew, RF2100
Alex Rodriguez, 3B1010
-Antonio Perez, 3B2000
Hee Seop Choi, 1B1101
Jeff Kent, 2B2100
Joel Guzman, LF2123
-Timmy Lupus, LF0000
Cesar Izturis, SS2110
Jason Phillips, C2000
Pedro Martinez, P0000
-Jeff Weaver, P1000
-Jason Grabowski, PH1112
-Yhency Brazoban, P0000
-Scott Erickson, P0000

Bears 012 000-3 6 0
Dodgers 100 50x-6 6 1

E-Guzman. DP-Dodgers 1 (Kent-Izturis-Choi). TP-Dodgers 1 (Lupus). BB: Bears 3 (Brown, Engleberg, Piazza), Dodgers 3 (Drew, Choi, Kent). SO: Bears 5 (Leak, Ogilvie 2, Engleberg, Rahim), Dodgers 4 (Kent, Weaver, Drew, Choi). 2B-Leak, Rodriguez, Guzman. 3B-Rahim, Izturis. HR: Piazza, Leak, Guzman, Grabowski. SF-Choi. SB-Stein, Brown 2. CS-Bradley, Brown. GIDP-Boyle. HBP-Rahim (by Martinez), Stein (by Weaver).

Whurlitzer (L)3 1/366632
Brown1 2/300002
Weaver (W)333302
Erickson (S)110020

8:40 p.m.: Good evening, everyone, and welcome to Dodger Stadium. Please enjoy the stylings of Nancy Bea as we draw closer to the start of tonight's game.

8:50 p.m.: The Bears have announced the signing of Scott Erickson. However, he is not expected to be in uniform tonight.

8:55 p.m. Please rise and remove your caps for the performance of the National Anthem, to be sung tonight by Mr. Soul himself - Sam Cooke.

9:00 p.m. Ah, that gave me chills. Okay, folks - Play ball!

Inning 1 - Top: Pedro Martinez faces Tanner Boyle ... Boyle grounds it to first baseman Hee Seop Choi. He takes it to the bag himself - one away.

Ahmad Abdul Rahim steps in. With the count 0-1, he's hit in the lower back by the pitch!

Kelly Leak bats with a runner on first and one out. Martinez sees the sign from Jim Tracy, and he's not happy. Intentional walk. Ball one, ball two, ball three ... Leak swings and misses at the attempted ball four. Now Martinez is steaming. He burns a fastball in for strike two. And another fastball for strike three!

As Engleberg comes to bat, Martinez is rubbing his shoulder. Did he overthrow on that last pitch? Engleberg swings at the first offering from Martinez and lifts a harmless fly ball to left-center. Guzman and Bradley converge ... and it's Bradley with the catch to retire the side.

Inning 1 - Bottom: As Bradley bats in his new leadoff role, Martinez is talking to the Dodger trainers in the dugout. Bradley lines Whurlitzer's second pitch up the middle for a base hit.

J.D. Drew at the plate. Bradley is picked off! Drew walks.

Jeff Weaver has begun throwing in the Dodger bullpen. It looks like Martinez's night is done. Alex Rodriguez bats against Whurlitzer. Deep drive in the gap - it's a double off the wall. Drew held up to see if the ball would be caught, and settles for third base. Two on, one out.

Hee! Seop! Choi! Choi is in the lineup despite being hitless in 0 career at-bats vs. Whurlitzer. Choi lifts a fly ball to right field. To the track. To the wall. A leaping catch by Rahim! Drew tags and scores and the Dodgers lead, 1-0. Rodriguez takes third.

Whurlitzer is off to a rough start, but she strikes out Jeff Kent to end the inning, stranding A-Rod at third base. After one inning, Dodgers 1, Bears 0

Inning 2 - Top: Jeff Weaver is in the game. We will update you on Martinez's condition when we have the news. Weaver has completed his warmups and faces Mike Piazza. Boom! We're tied, 1-1.

Rudi Stein follows with a weak grounder to Izturis at short for the first out.

Jose Agilar pops out.

Ogilvie strikes out. Weaver makes quick work of the Bears after allowing the homer by Piazza, using only seven pitches in the inning. Game tied, 1-1.

Inning 2 - Bottom: Phenom Joel Guzman faces the seasoned Whurlitzer. It's a double for the new hometown hero!

Cesar Izturis is the batter. Rudi Stein is in on the grass at third base. Further in. Further in. His toe edges onto home plate. Izturis bunts! The ball hits Stein in the mouth, and he hangs on for a Snoopy-like catch.

With one out and Guzman on second, Jason Phillips hits a ground ball that goes through the long legs of Guzman, but Boyle fields and is able to make the play at first. Two out, as Guzman hugs third.

Weaver, ever-capable with the bat, stares at called strike three. Whurlitzer minimizes the damage following the leadoff double. After two innings, Dodgers 1, Bears 1

Inning 3 - Top: Whurlitzer hits a slow roller to third base. Rodriguez charges - and trips! No play; Whurlitzer is aboard. And Rodriguez is rolling on the ground, holding his ankle ...

Antonio Perez grabs a glove. Rodriguez is coming off the field. The official scorer rules the play a hit, but Rodriguez can't be concerned with that as he limps off.

Boyle, 0 for 1, bats. Ground ball to Kent. Nice backhand play by the veteran. He flips to Izturis to get one - over to Choi for a Dodger double play (TM).

Abdul Rahim bats. He only needs to marry Kirby Puckett, and then his initials will be AARP. He slams one into the gap. Rahim is rounding second and heading for third. Guzman overthrows the cutoff man and the ball scoots away. Rahim scores without a play and the Bears take the lead!

Kelly Leak follows with ... way back ... it's gone, a home run to dead center field. This isn't the June Jeff Weaver we've come to know. He's allowed three runs in 1 2/3 innings and the Bears lead, 3-1.

Engleberg strikes out to end the inning. Weaver screams into his glove as he walks off the field.

Inning 3 - Bottom: Bradley leads off and grounds to Agilar for a simple 4-3 out.

J.D. Drew flies to right field.

Antonio Perez lines to Agilar - it's a 1-2-3 inning, the first of the game. After three innings, Bears 3, Dodgers 1

Inning 4 - Top: Weaver is back out there to face Piazza, who victimized him in the second inning. The tables turn, as Piazza pops to Choi at first.

Stein, 0 for 1, awaits the pitch. Did it hit him? No, it's ruled to have hit the bat. Strike one. Second pitch. Did it hit him? No, it's ruled to have hit the bat. Strike two. Third pitch. Did it hit him? Yes. Stein takes first.

Agilar fouls one into the stands. Oh, a lucky fan makes the catch and shows it off to Dad.

Stein is off on the pitch. Phillips throws. The throw is late - but Stein doesn't stop running. He thinks the ball has gone into center field. Izturis deked him! Stein is in a pickle now ... and ... he's out. Score it 2-6-5-4-2-6-5-9-7-3-1-8.

Agilar hits a comebacker to Weaver, who fires to Choi for out number three. Weaver's first scoreless inning, and it remains a 3-1 Bears lead.

Inning 4 - Bottom: Choi walks to start the bottom of the fourth inning.

Kent also walks. Whurlitzer having trouble finding the plate.

Look out! Joel Guzman has arrived! A long fly ball for the kid into the top half of the left-field pavilion, a three-run blast, and it's 4-3 Dodgers!

A frustrated Whurlitzer faces Cesar Izturis, who swings away - and triples down the right-field line. Izturis is back!

We've just gotten word that Izturis has lost 50,000 All-Star votes. They were taken away. Jason Phillips bats ... the squeeze! The bunt goes foul. Phillips up again ... and he strikes out.

The mystery of the Izturis voting deepens. Apparently, Macier Izturis was seen leaving Dodger Stadium with a pile of ballots in his back seat.

Tracy is batting for Weaver, who wasn't expected to pitch today. It's Jason Grabowski. And ... it's a long fly ball, down the line, near the foul pole ...gone! A Grabowski home run! Dodgers lead it, 6-3.

Morris Buttermaker heads for the mound. He's not waiting any longer. He's going to the pen. It's a double-swtich. The new pitcher is ... a veteran, someone acquired in the offseason. It's Charlie Brown. Brown will bat in the No. 7 slot, and coming in to play second base in place of Agilar and bat ninth is Linus Van Pelt.

As Whurlitzer heads for the so-called "Principle's Office," Brown is spun around by a line drive up the middle. But Boyle nabs it and is able to retire Bradley at first.

J.D. Drew swings at what would have been ball four and strikes out. But the Dodgers rally with five in the inning. After four innings, Dodgers 6, Bears 3

Inning 5 - Top: Snow flurries are moving in from offshore as we head into the fifth, but we should get an official game in.

The new Dodger pitcher is Yhency Brazoban, as Jim Tracy wants to use his fireballing youngster early. Ogilvie can't see the pitches - his glasses are fogged up. He swings before they are even thrown, and strikes out meekly.

Charlie Brown, Mr. Plate Discipline, walks.

With Boyle up, Charlie Brown steals second!

With the count 1-0, Charlie Brown steals third!

With the count 2-0, Charlie Brown tries to steal home. The ball gets away from Phillips. Charlie Brown can score easily. He heads for the dugout, jubilant. But wait - Phillips chases down the wild pitch, then goes and tags Charlie Brown near the steps. Brown is out - he never touched home plate!

A young girl shouts from the crowd: "You Blockhead" ... as Boyle singles up the middle.

The red-hot Rahim, however, strikes out on a Brazoban heater.

This word from the official scorer. Apparently, an inebriated Buttermaker failed to execute the double switch correctly, explaining why Brown was batting in the No. 9 spot.

Inning 5 - Bottom: Antonio Perez ground to third base for the first out.

An inebriated fan runs onto the field, disrupting the game. The crowd, in unison, shouts out, "We don't appreciate this rude behavior." The embarrassed fan meekly returns to his seat, changing the course of Dodger Stadium history forever.

Hee Seop Choi bats .. and strikes out against Charlie Brown's lollipop curve.

Jeff Kent flies to left field, and the Dodgers fail to build upon their lead. After five innings, Dodgers 6, Bears 3

Inning 6 - Top: New Dodger pitcher: oh my God, it's Scott Erickson. He's back. The Dodgers reacquired him, beneath the radar, just before gametime. Just when you think he's gone, he pops up like the end of some horror movie.

Kelly Leak leads off Erickson and doubles off the top of the center field wall.

Erickson walks Engleberg.

Erickson walks Piazza.

The snow has arrived! Tying runs on, none out, and it's a near whiteout as Rudi Stein comes to bat.

Stein falls behind, 0-2. It's a blizzard. Now the count goes to 3-2.

Stein swings! We hear the crack of ball against bat.

No one can see where it went! Bears are running around the bases like mad.

A little boy is running in from left field. It's ... Timmy Lupus. And he's holding the ball. Timmy Lupus has robbed Rudi Stein of a grand-slam, thwarting his ex-teammates. He doubles off Leak at third and Engleberg at second for an unassisted triple play! Inning over.

Lupus, ever the quiet one, replaced Guzman in left field.

The snow is blinding. The umps are calling the game. Dodgers win, 6-3. Weaver gets the victory. Erickson gets the save - he's the new closer. All thanks to Timmy Lupus. Next year has arrived for Timmy Lupus!

Oh, the humanity.

(Fake game chat goes in this thread. Non-fiction Dodger chat is continuing in the Swing Away thread.)

Comments (227)
Show/Hide Comments 1-50
2005-06-30 16:19:00
1.   Icaros
I hope Lupus can keep his finger out of his nose for at least one inning.
2005-06-30 16:19:07
2.   Mark
Hmm. I was hoping for something, well, a little less... fictional?
2005-06-30 16:19:31
3.   the OZ
Wurlitzer's DIPS numbers are nothing to sneeze at. This could be a tough game.
2005-06-30 16:22:25
4.   Vishal
i think this is shaping up to be a real strikeout-fest.
2005-06-30 16:24:11
5.   Icaros
LA should try to hit a lot of sharp one-hoppers. I hear these Bears refuse to wear cups.
2005-06-30 16:37:27
6.   Humma Kavula
Whurlitzer is spelled with an h.
2005-06-30 16:41:09
7.   Fearing Blue
Who's this Jose character? Is he Joel's brother?
2005-06-30 16:46:18
8.   Jon Weisman
Yes, the Dodgers got the wrong Guzman. But after some deliberation about whether they should be stuck with him, MLB decided to allow them the right Guzman.
2005-06-30 16:48:12
9.   Humma Kavula
I can't wait for Lupus to come up so the Dodger Stadium crowd can do its famous chant:


2005-06-30 16:49:08
10.   Linkmeister
"A bruised goatee?" Hmm. Back when I used to drink I remember days like that.
2005-06-30 16:55:59
11.   Icaros
I read in the Times this morning that the Bears were pushing for this game to be played in the Astrodome.
2005-06-30 16:56:09
12.   Xeifrank
I can't believe coach Boilermaker(sp?) has Stein batting 6th! Where's the love!! The man can outright hit and has a much higher OPS than Mike Piaza, and if he was dating the coaches daughter he'd be hitting 3rd.
vr, Xei
2005-06-30 16:59:45
13.   fanerman91
If I were coach and he were dating my daughter, I'd bat him 9th.
2005-06-30 17:00:47
14.   GoBears
Actually, Boilermaker died a couple years ago, which makes it fair contest with Tracy. Bears will be managed by a robot known as "THE BOOK."
2005-06-30 17:01:14
15.   Humma Kavula
I don't know, I kind of like Buttermaker's lineup -- Rahim is a natural 2-hole hitter. Besides, if you put Stein 3rd, where do you put Leak?

Leak -- I wish we'd traded for him. That kid has an arm. But I can see why we might not -- he'd probably learn some bad "motorcycle washing" habits from Kent.

2005-06-30 17:04:32
16.   Jim Hitchcock
No, Tanner, those bubbles in the whirlpool are not caused by Slim's farting...
2005-06-30 17:06:03
17.   scareduck
Jon -- breaking news -- Peter O'Malley changed his mind, and did not sell to Fox.

The declining but still useful Mike Piazza will start behind the dish for the Dodgers.

In other news, former Dodger prospect Paul Lo Duca seems to be doing well in Cleveland.

2005-06-30 17:13:41
18.   Humma Kavula
Jon's fantasy, Jon's rules. We just check the spelling.
2005-06-30 17:14:34
19.   GoBears
Oh yeah - Buttermaker. "Boilermaker" better describes his diet.
2005-06-30 17:17:13
20.   Xeifrank
I wonder if Milton Bradley will throw any of the Bears players into a trash can tonight.
vr, Xei
2005-06-30 17:22:53
21.   molokai
What's the over/under on Pedro tonight?
2005-06-30 17:23:45
22.   brendan glynn
That Stein kid reminds me of Alex Cora the way he can lean into a pitch and take one for the team. very valuable to have (ask Tracy)
2005-06-30 17:26:22
23.   Xeifrank
Over/Under on Pedro is 7 IPs.
vr, Xei
2005-06-30 17:37:12
24.   db1022
I'll take the over. Pedro should handle the 12 year olds tonight.
2005-06-30 17:45:03
25.   Mark
Come on, you know Jon has written up a script where Pedro gets tossed in the 2nd inning for bullying the opposing coach and throwing him to the ground. Unders are going to win easily.
2005-06-30 17:55:18
26.   db1022
Oh so the fix is on, eh?
2005-06-30 18:01:57
27.   Linkmeister
What are the mechanics here? Jon, you gonna roll dice and play Strat-o-Matic?
2005-06-30 18:05:44
28.   Jon Weisman
At the risk of exposing the man behind the curtain ... this will be closer to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" Very organic.
2005-06-30 18:10:23
29.   Nick Iyengar
Jon, are you posting game developments in the comments, are in the original post? I know you explained this way back when, but I've forgotten.
2005-06-30 18:10:52
30.   Nick Iyengar
"or in the original post?"
2005-06-30 18:14:24
31.   db1022
#28 - The British version, or the Drew Carey version?

These things are important to me.

2005-06-30 18:54:36
32.   Icaros
I hope Briana Banks makes an appearance/interruption tonight as Briana the Kissing Bandit.

If she were to make Amanda Whurlitzer her target, things would really be going in the right direction.

2005-06-30 19:01:50
33.   Jim Hitchcock
Which is why gametime is after the kids have been put to bed, Icaros.
2005-06-30 19:10:05
34.   Jon Weisman
29 - I love how people think I explained this way back when, when I essentially explained none of it :)

It's sort of inconvient either way, but I'm going to post updates in the main post. You'll have to do some scrolling.

31 - Like Colin Mochrie, I hope to be in the spirit of the best of both.

2005-06-30 19:16:39
35.   Sam DC
Well, someone's gonna need to get Rahim down out of that tree before gametime . . .

And at the end of this, we'll very much need a Superman spinning of the earth backwards, because I have to be at work at 6:30 am tomorrow, and it'll be ? 2:00 am ? when it wraps. And needless to say, with this intro, it's going to be very hard to responsibly keep away.

2005-06-30 19:22:18
36.   gvette
Jon, you forgot the part of the fantasy where Plaschke writes a heartfelt, but whiny column on how the Dodgers were so coldhearted in booting '81 hero Rick Monday, heart and soul (tm) of the broadcast team to the minors.

You also missed the companion piece by Simers where he makes fun of Pedro's inability to speak unaccented English, and claimed his daughter can hit a baseball better than ARod.

2005-06-30 19:25:57
37.   Sam DC
And you're sure the Dodgers can't call Benjamin Franklin Rodriguez up from Vegas in time for the game?
2005-06-30 20:08:42
38.   Steve
I can't believe Engelberg beat Michael out of his catching job. Better on the throws to second I guess.
2005-06-30 20:11:05
39.   dan reines
wurlitzer's tough. i hope the dodgers can rough her up a bit. be nice to face stein.
2005-06-30 20:19:34
40.   Steve
Free Vic Morrow!
2005-06-30 20:27:44
41.   Jim Hitchcock
40 - We would , but he just wouldn't be able to get his head in the game.
2005-06-30 20:29:44
42.   scareduck
40: sure, I get a free Vic Morrow, but what about the rest of the ballplayers? Do I have to pay for them first?
2005-06-30 20:35:33
43.   Fearing Blue
I'll post here in case some aren't reading the factual thread:

Update from Las Vegas:
Odalis Perez just completed what is likely his final rehab assignment in Las Vegas. He threw 79 pitches (46 strikes) through 5 excellent innings of work. Throughout the night, he only faced one batter over the minimum, allowing a double and a walk, but erasing the walk on a double-play. He also struck out 5, the last on his final pitch of the night. Las Vegas is currently up 2 - 0 over Portland in the top of the 6th.

Update from Ogden:
Ogden is en route to its 8th win in 10 games. The Raptors are up 10 - 6 over Idaho Falls in the top of the 8th. Sergio Pedroza has been the hero of the night so far, going 4 for 4 with 2 HRs and 6 RBIs. He is now 6 for 6 with a walk since joining the Raptors yesterday. Quite a start to his professional career.

2005-06-30 20:39:54
44.   Jon Weisman
No, please keep the factual stuff in the factual thread. That thread is still open.
2005-06-30 20:40:46
45.   Jon Weisman
What I might suggest for some of you is that if you can open two windows, do so - keep one scrolled near the top for game updates, the other scrolled near the bottom for comments.
2005-06-30 20:42:21
46.   Fearing Blue
#44: Sorry for breaking the rules. I was excited about Perez, but had nobody to share with. The factual thread is pretty empty, which makes a lot of sense considering our season to-date :).
2005-06-30 20:43:38
47.   Fearing Blue
What's our bullpen like for tonight's affair?
2005-06-30 20:47:16
48.   Steve
I'm thinking Danny Almonte comes in from the bullpen for someone, but who knows who?
2005-06-30 20:50:13
49.   Bob Timmermann
Woo hoo, free computer use at this hotel. I'm excited.

I hope Pedro knocks the first batter on his a**

2005-06-30 20:50:51
50.   Jon Weisman
Everyone - check in on the non-fiction thread periodically.
Show/Hide Comments 51-100
2005-06-30 20:51:48
51.   Jon Weisman
Welcome, Bob! Is the game on TV there?
2005-06-30 20:52:29
52.   Sam DC
And who's singing the National Anthem?
2005-06-30 20:53:48
53.   Bob Timmermann
They won't let me in my room yet. But since there is no Japanese player involved, it won't be seen.

Can you swing a trade for Ichiro?

2005-06-30 20:55:30
54.   Jim Hitchcock
53 - Raising the ceiling, are they?
2005-06-30 20:56:43
55.   Bob Timmermann
Not an exaggeration.
2005-06-30 21:03:10
56.   Jim Hitchcock
Where's that durn barkeep?
2005-06-30 21:03:57
57.   Steve
2005-06-30 21:04:22
58.   Sam DC
That Tanner's fast -- nice play by Hee-Seop to get him.
2005-06-30 21:06:03
59.   Steve
To pitch to Engelberg? Come on, Tracy!
2005-06-30 21:06:54
60.   Jim Hitchcock
Is that Icy Hot on Pedro's glove?
2005-06-30 21:06:57
61.   Icaros
56 - What'll you have tonight, sir?
2005-06-30 21:06:58
62.   Bob Timmermann
If Pedro is hurt, I think that the only logical replacement for him is Scott Erickson.

But I hear he's been released..... A few times.

2005-06-30 21:07:30
63.   Midwest Blue
Did somebody say the O/U was 2 innings? I'll take the under.
2005-06-30 21:08:02
64.   Midwest Blue
Icaros is finally out of the closet!
2005-06-30 21:08:58
65.   Jim Hitchcock
61 - One bourbon, one scotch, and one beah.
2005-06-30 21:09:04
66.   Midwest Blue
Who's availsble on the bench and in the pen for these Bears?
2005-06-30 21:09:23
67.   Jon Weisman
I need someone to add up the attendance. Every commenter represents 1,000 people.
2005-06-30 21:10:09
68.   joekings
I hope Bradley didn't come back to soon from his injury.
2005-06-30 21:10:36
69.   regfairfield
Here for attendance purposes.
2005-06-30 21:10:36
70.   Icaros
Who's availsble on the bench...

Looks like somebody needs to be cutt off already.

2005-06-30 21:10:46
71.   Nick Iyengar
Does the paid attendance figure come out after the seventh inning stretch, or do I always imagine that?
2005-06-30 21:10:58
72.   Icaros
2005-06-30 21:11:27
73.   Bob Timmermann
Well, I've seen enough. I'm leaving. I need to beat the traffic.
2005-06-30 21:11:35
74.   molokai
Pump it up another 1000
2005-06-30 21:12:50
75.   Bob Timmermann
Before I leave I just want to say:

I don't like Russ Ortiz.
My favorite Dodger when I was a little kid was Richie Allen.

2005-06-30 21:13:11
76.   Jim Hitchcock
Barkeep, did ya ever hear the story about...
2005-06-30 21:13:15
77.   Sam DC
I just saw Eric Gagne in line for some garlic fries; he looked pretty pumped up.
2005-06-30 21:14:08
78.   Midwest Blue
2005-06-30 21:14:08
79.   Icaros
One bourbon, one scotch, and one beah.

My boss says I can only serve one drink at a time here.

He also reminds everybody to watch the language and take all violence outside.

2005-06-30 21:14:59
80.   Midwest Blue
Garlic fries? I didn't knowwe were at 3Com Park?
2005-06-30 21:15:20
81.   adg
An Olney!
2005-06-30 21:15:20
82.   regfairfield
I can't believe we got A-Rod for 300 thousand. Who says DePo isn't a genius?
2005-06-30 21:16:13
83.   joekings
I love productive outs.
2005-06-30 21:16:38
84.   Midwest Blue
No, no, no. The Dodgers give up the lead in the first. This must be the parallel universe Dodgers.
2005-06-30 21:16:39
85.   Jim Hitchcock
Meet my two buddies, barkeep.

I am outside. Whaddya think this is, the Astrodome? Besides, I'm a happy drunk.

2005-06-30 21:17:30
86.   Steve
The analysts have all been saying that Kent is having a down year, and there he goes again.
2005-06-30 21:17:40
87.   Midwest Blue
I hear ads for Farmer John and Union 76...
2005-06-30 21:18:50
88.   adg
Vinny says you can still get great seats for the series against the Cardinals just after the All-Star break.
2005-06-30 21:18:50
89.   Midwest Blue
I win the under! Martinez, that bum.
2005-06-30 21:19:07
90.   heato
Can you imagine Weaver's collapse if he gives up a hit to Whurlitzer?
2005-06-30 21:19:17
91.   the OZ
OK, I made it in time for the second inning, add a thousand to the attendance. In a few minutes, add a thousand pairs of taillights to the parking lot because we're leaving early. Dang LA fans, can't even sit through a fictional game!
2005-06-30 21:19:39
92.   Steve
Evil Weaver and his 87 mph fastball
2005-06-30 21:19:42
93.   Jim Hitchcock
84 - MWB, you need a program. Or sumptin.
2005-06-30 21:19:46
94.   regfairfield
Wouldn't be a Weaver game without that.

Does anyone else think the Bears signing Piazza seems to fly in the face of their strategy?

2005-06-30 21:19:49
95.   Midwest Blue
Boom? Did Lasorda fall down?
2005-06-30 21:19:59
96.   Sam DC
80 I was in town last year and made it to the stadium and was armtwisted into parking in a hellacious line at Gordon Biersch, where Garlic Fries were all the rage. Do you think if we tell Engelberger there's a chance he'll wander out of the dugout into the stands?
2005-06-30 21:22:27
97.   Midwest Blue
I want to know if Darren Dreifort is in the Dodger bullpen?
2005-06-30 21:23:29
98.   Jim Hitchcock
The smart boozers avoid the Bieesch line and go directly to Icaros.

Which reminds me, barkeep...lemme have a pisco sour.

2005-06-30 21:23:59
99.   regfairfield
On a scale of 1-10 I am sooooo drunk.
2005-06-30 21:25:42
100.   Jim Hitchcock
99 - Time for a little Stan Johnson administered oxygen.
Show/Hide Comments 101-150
2005-06-30 21:26:26
101.   regfairfield
I'll just be day to day, right?
2005-06-30 21:27:53
102.   joekings
Did Phillips swing at the first pitch?
2005-06-30 21:28:59
103.   Midwest Blue
I'm in the Icaros line...a Manhattan please.
2005-06-30 21:29:26
104.   Jim Hitchcock
Stein was getting a little long in the tooth anyway.
2005-06-30 21:31:09
105.   regfairfield
At least Tracy took Cesar out of the leadoff spot.
2005-06-30 21:31:56
106.   Steve
Why was Guzman running on a ground ball to the shortstop? Him and Perez should get along great.
2005-06-30 21:31:59
107.   Jim Hitchcock
The Weave musta been thinking 'bout that next OZ.
2005-06-30 21:33:12
108.   Midwest Blue
Time for Valentin...
2005-06-30 21:33:47
109.   adg
I predict that someone is going to go for the cycle, and also that Piazza will not be the only Bear to hit one out. I just hope that the bases are just as empty the next time.
2005-06-30 21:34:24
110.   Jim Hitchcock
Don't be a wuss, ARod...they can do miracles with tape these days.
2005-06-30 21:34:46
111.   joekings
What ever happened to that kid Beltre we had?
2005-06-30 21:38:29
112.   Jim Hitchcock
Hey, can anyone confirm a Ross Porter sighting?
2005-06-30 21:39:47
113.   Midwest Blue
Losing to 12-year olds. Oy vey! Bartender...a Harvey Wallbanger.
2005-06-30 21:40:24
114.   adg
Dodgers going through players like this is an all-star game... Pretty soon the pitchers will be pinch-hitting for each other. Which I could never understand why...
2005-06-30 21:41:37
115.   Icaros
Hold on everyone, there's a phone call here for Amanda Hugginkiss.

Amanda Hugginkiss? You here?

Keep it down a second guys, I need Amanda Hugginkiss!

2005-06-30 21:42:11
116.   Jim Hitchcock
Snow is starting to pick up. Barkeep, Bacardi 151 all around.
2005-06-30 21:42:37
117.   Midwest Blue
Is it too late to get that Scott Erickson back for long relief?
2005-06-30 21:43:13
118.   Jim Hitchcock
Salted peanuts...Mmmm.
2005-06-30 21:44:02
119.   Midwest Blue
Lemon ice. Lemon ice. Get your Lemon ice!
2005-06-30 21:44:10
120.   Icaros
Why you little...when I get ahold of you I'm gonna paint my house with your brains!
2005-06-30 21:44:20
121.   Xeifrank
Looks like Pedro didn't make the over/under line of 7 IPs. Normally, this means a Dodgers loss, but since it was due to injury we are breaking new ground and I don't know what to say.
vr, Xei
2005-06-30 21:44:59
122.   Midwest Blue
First beach ball sighting...
2005-06-30 21:45:21
123.   adg
I knew it. More dingers to the opposite team. That first Piazza bomb was just like a warning that Weaver was going to get rocked sooner rather than later.
2005-06-30 21:45:56
124.   Jim Hitchcock
120- Haw haw haw haw...
2005-06-30 21:48:22
125.   Xeifrank
Looks like Buttermaker (RIP) isn't into the small ball. Alcoholism will do that to you.
vr, Xei
2005-06-30 21:48:23
126.   Jim Hitchcock
Barkeep, tartar control beer...
2005-06-30 21:49:39
127.   Midwest Blue
Hey, can we have some fly balls in the stands, please? I paid good money for these seats and my kid wants a ball.
2005-06-30 21:51:16
128.   Jim Hitchcock
127 - Teach your kid not to throw it back first...
2005-06-30 21:52:48
129.   Xeifrank
"Let them play!"
"Let them play!"
"Let them play!"

vr, Xei

2005-06-30 21:53:29
130.   Midwest Blue
No Cub fan here. But I'm a Bud man! Hey barkeep...
2005-06-30 21:53:57
131.   Jim Hitchcock
A little early, XF...are you drunk?
2005-06-30 21:54:49
132.   Steve
Izturis is so damn crafty.
2005-06-30 21:54:59
133.   Midwest Blue
He caught it! He caught it!! (Just as I was reacjing for my Bud)
2005-06-30 21:55:47
134.   Jim Hitchcock
Man, that play made me dizzy...
2005-06-30 21:56:03
135.   LAT
Hey, what gives? I only came to the game tonight becasue I heard they were giving away Jon Weisman Bobble Head Dolls. What, did they run out already?
2005-06-30 21:57:34
136.   Jon Weisman
135 - Ask your friendly - I said friendly - usher.
2005-06-30 21:58:16
137.   Midwest Blue
135 - Have a Garlic fry and sit down. You're blocking my view of the beach balls.
2005-06-30 21:58:29
138.   Jim Hitchcock
We got something goig here. I can feel it. I can feelt it! Naw, maybe I just have to pee.
2005-06-30 21:59:44
139.   Midwest Blue
That Guzman kid has tremedous upside.
2005-06-30 22:00:04
140.   Jim Hitchcock
YYYYEEEAAAAHHHH! Oops. Darn zipper...
2005-06-30 22:01:34
141.   Steve
Guzman -- tremendous upside, huge wingspan, good in the paint, surprising range on his shot
2005-06-30 22:01:37
142.   regfairfield
Been a while since this much good stuff has happened at once.
2005-06-30 22:02:09
143.   Midwest Blue
Hey where is everybody? I haven't seen the bartender in a while. Did the mass exodus start already?
2005-06-30 22:02:11
144.   LAT
My usher (who was 98 yrs old and blind) said he only had Jon Weisman tatoos but because I'm not under 12 he wouldn't give me any.
2005-06-30 22:02:46
145.   Jim Hitchcock
Steve, could you check the tires on my unicycle?
2005-06-30 22:03:22
146.   Midwest Blue
Jim Tracy's next book: "The Art of the Bunt"
2005-06-30 22:04:43
147.   Steve
2005-06-30 22:05:24
148.   Midwest Blue
GRABS!!! Is it too late to stuff the Al-Star ballot box?
2005-06-30 22:05:53
149.   Jim Hitchcock
Hey! The Grabowski precept!
2005-06-30 22:07:14
150.   Steve
Buttermaker should have been in there at least three batters ago. FIRE MORRIS BUTTERMAKER! FMB! FMB!
Show/Hide Comments 151-200
2005-06-30 22:08:07
151.   Midwest Blue
Nah Nah Nah Nah. Hey, hey, hey. Goodbyyyye.

Nancy Bea plays the Peanuts Theme as the next pitcher come out.

2005-06-30 22:09:34
152.   Midwest Blue
The principal is your pal.
2005-06-30 22:09:43
153.   regfairfield
1 is a straight ball, 2 is a straightball, and three, three is a straight ball.
2005-06-30 22:10:22
154.   Jim Hitchcock
Man, with the shortage of hockey pucks in the stadium urinals, who needs oxygen?
2005-06-30 22:10:36
155.   LAT
I have relatives in town this weekend. Is Amanda still selling maps to the stars homes on the side?
2005-06-30 22:11:24
156.   Midwest Blue
Cristina, here in spirit as she watches a lousy cartoon, counts as another 1000.
2005-06-30 22:12:43
157.   Midwest Blue
Can you get me to Tom Cruise's house?
2005-06-30 22:13:38
158.   Jim Hitchcock
157 - walk inti the nearest Scientoloy booth, and click your heels...
2005-06-30 22:14:54
159.   Icaros
Can't a bartender go to the bathroom without a bunch of drunks getting upset?

When did Erickson change his name to Charlie Brown?

2005-06-30 22:15:43
160.   joekings
Charlie Brown is pretty good with the bat though.
2005-06-30 22:15:58
161.   LAT
Mid-Blue, you figured it out. No real relatives. I just wanted the map to drop off some anti-depresent medication at Tom's house.
2005-06-30 22:17:24
162.   mcrawford
A couple of my favorite Peanuts strips have Snoopy turning the double play with Linus. I love seeing Snoopy spit that ball out to Linus on the pivot.

I think Charlie Brown was always turned head-over-heels by the line drives (as opposed to turned around).

2005-06-30 22:17:49
163.   regfairfield
Why the hell do you use your setup man with none on in the fifth. Damnit Tracy.
2005-06-30 22:18:15
164.   mcrawford
Mid-Ghame Continuing!
2005-06-30 22:18:23
165.   Midwest Blue
Is the over/under for this game 5.5 innings? Hmmmm...
2005-06-30 22:18:35
167.   Icaros
Didn't Charlie Brown usually lose his uniform on those comebackers as well?
2005-06-30 22:18:42
168.   LAT
If Erickson is Charlie Brown please let me hold the football.
2005-06-30 22:19:10
169.   Jim Hitchcock
I think I speak for the room when I say Icaros is the bestest bartender ever. Too bad I gave all my tip change to the piano player, Billy Joel Guzman...
2005-06-30 22:19:43
170.   Midwest Blue
Steal home! Steal home!
2005-06-30 22:21:06
171.   Icaros
What a blockhead.
2005-06-30 22:21:13
172.   regfairfield
What a blockhead.
2005-06-30 22:21:21
173.   Midwest Blue
No more beer. No more beer. Oh, alright give me a Margarita.
2005-06-30 22:21:32
174.   regfairfield
Well, that sucks.
2005-06-30 22:21:45
175.   Midwest Blue
I must be seeing double.
2005-06-30 22:21:54
176.   Icaros
2005-06-30 22:22:38
177.   regfairfield
I'm allowed to type, right?
2005-06-30 22:23:03
178.   LAT
Three cheers for the Bartender. (I didn't read the whole thread but I did see #32!)
2005-06-30 22:23:39
179.   Icaros
I hope that young girl who yelled at Charlie Brown didn't have red hair...poor guy.
2005-06-30 22:24:05
180.   Midwest Blue
Double jinx, triple jinx, no "Don't believe in jinx". (That was my kid, sorry).
2005-06-30 22:24:43
181.   Icaros
177 - No, the opposite works out in cyberspace. You can only speak.
2005-06-30 22:26:25
182.   regfairfield
Crap. Oh wait...
2005-06-30 22:26:32
183.   Icaros
I did my best, LAT, but since we serve alcohol here #32 can't legally take place.
2005-06-30 22:28:11
184.   Midwest Blue
Any celebrity sightings at the park tonight? Looking for Angelina and Brad (actually, just Angelina).
2005-06-30 22:29:15
185.   Jim Hitchcock
Hey Icaros, were all those silly ferns on the wall when I first got here?
2005-06-30 22:29:21
186.   Icaros
Does Buttermaker's intoxication serve as a handicap to level the playing field with Jim Tracy, or are we still at a disadvantage?
2005-06-30 22:30:57
187.   Icaros
Hey Icaros, were all those silly ferns on the wall when I first got here?

Just relax and have another double, on the house.

2005-06-30 22:31:12
188.   b1ued0dger
We don't appreciate this rude behavior.
2005-06-30 22:31:17
189.   Midwest Blue
...where the fan is promptly pummeled by LAPD.
2005-06-30 22:32:10
190.   LAT
#184 Yes, Bill Bixby is in the Dugout Club watching his son pitch.
2005-06-30 22:32:41
191.   Midwest Blue
Hey Blue Dodger...the L and O in your name are starting to look funny. Man I'm tanked.
2005-06-30 22:34:32
192.   b1ued0dger
To much margaritas huh Midwest Blue.
2005-06-30 22:35:48
193.   LAT
#185 Uh oh, I think Jim is planning on jumping the short wall in right and running on the field during the 7th inning stretch.
2005-06-30 22:36:14
194.   Icaros
We have a taxi service lined up after the game for anyone who needs it. Problem is, the only car we could get on short notice was one of those really small circus numbers.

It'll still hold about 15 of you, but you're going to have to be flexible and willing to cooperate.

2005-06-30 22:36:49
195.   Midwest Blue
I called Erickson. Drinks on the'll need them!
2005-06-30 22:38:23
196.   b1ued0dger
Scotty Sucks!!!! Clap Clap, Clap Clap Clap. Scotty Sucks!!!! Clap Clap, Clap Clap Clap.
Scotty Sucks!!!! Clap Clap, Clap Clap Clap.
2005-06-30 22:38:33
197.   Jim Hitchcock
193 - where I promptly fall into the elevator on the mound while Erickson is being replaced and never seen from again...
2005-06-30 22:39:05
198.   Midwest Blue
Tune in next week, when we discover if Rudy gets a hit...
2005-06-30 22:39:28
199.   regfairfield
Why do you bring in Erickson when the outcome of the game is still in question?
2005-06-30 22:40:33
200.   mcrawford
Foul, foul, foul...
Show/Hide Comments 201-250
2005-06-30 22:40:42
201.   Midwest Blue
Reminds me of the Raider / Patriot Snow Bowl
2005-06-30 22:41:18
202.   Icaros
2005-06-30 22:41:46
203.   mcrawford
"That is not the ball that was hit. He just brought a ball from home! That's a Nerf ball!"
2005-06-30 22:43:00
204.   regfairfield
Just when you thought you've seen everything.
2005-06-30 22:43:36
205.   Midwest Blue
Dodger attendance???

Did the M&M's even run a race?

2005-06-30 22:44:13
206.   Jim Hitchcock
Icaros, I think it's time to start brewing that Buzz coffee. I'm fairly certain unicycles don't have two wheels...
2005-06-30 22:44:37
207.   b1ued0dger
AHHH Man. Now everyone is going to leave in the 6th inning not just me. The traffic is going to suck, especially with all the snow.
2005-06-30 22:45:25
208.   Icaros
Standing ovation from the bar. What a game!
2005-06-30 22:46:15
209.   Jon Weisman
Well, as experiments go, I don't know if that was a success or not. But I appreciate you all coming along for the ride.
2005-06-30 22:46:37
210.   Midwest Blue
Icaros, one fer de rowed, ay? Den drife me tu Jon's howse. We cun chair the clozet, ay?
2005-06-30 22:47:20
211.   Icaros
I've just been informed that the bar is staying open 'til dawn; however, my shift just ended.

Have at it, boys!

2005-06-30 22:48:02
212.   Midwest Blue
Gunite, you hoser.
2005-06-30 22:48:47
213.   Jim Hitchcock
Jon, that was as much fun as I've had on the internet. Well, almost as fun as winning 216 grand on an online progressive slot machine. It was fun and very creative. My thanks!
2005-06-30 22:50:51
214.   Xeifrank
Let Them Play!
vr, Xei
2005-06-30 22:50:55
215.   Jon Weisman
The main lesson is ... if you want to play nine innings of fake ball in under two hours, don't keep score.
2005-06-30 22:52:23
216.   Linkmeister
Just got here as the game was ending. How's that for late-arriving LA fans, huh?
2005-06-30 22:55:18
217.   Jim Hitchcock
Traffic's one way into the stadium, Link...even for canoes.
2005-06-30 23:05:21
218.   Linkmeister
Yeah, well, the wind was against me, especially since I was travelling aboard this:

2005-06-30 23:07:46
219.   Jim Hitchcock
Ahh, that would be livin', wouldn't it, Link?
2005-06-30 23:18:21
220.   Linkmeister
It's been cruisin' the Northwest Hawaiian Islands recently. And it's one helluva lot of work on board that thing, or so I'm told. The care that went into building it and into sailing it (they use traditional Polynesian navigation techniques) is amazing.
2005-06-30 23:23:56
221.   LAT
Jon, Great Job tonight. Really creative and fun.
2005-06-30 23:47:52
222.   Jim Hitchcock
It's all too easy to take modern technology as the end all and be all, Link. The sheer craft and imagination of those who came before us is nothing short of awesome.
2005-07-01 07:50:40
223.   dzzrtRatt
Just read this over since I was not online last night, and it's classic. As my son would say, LOLOLOLOLOL. Charlie Brown! Excellent. (Although I was expecting Weaver to surrender a home run to him; maybe in the rematch.)

This should be sent straight to the Smithsonian as a compendium of how baseball has influenced pop culture and vice versa.

2005-07-01 08:20:59
224.   Sam DC
Just checked in after only last a few innings last night . . . great fun/great time/great writing. I can't say that I teared up a little when Lupus made that third out but, then again, I can't say that I didn't.
2005-07-01 08:23:36
225.   fanerman91
All this needs is to get into comic strip form. I'd pay for that. Oh, good grief!
2005-07-01 10:31:50
226.   everett
great :) enjoyed reading this though now I really need to get back to work :)

thanks for making such an enjoyable site ... pretty amazing that you can get 225 comments on a imaginary game, kudos to dodgerthoughts and its loyal commenters...


2005-07-01 17:13:10
227.   Bob Timmermann
So the game ended with Joe Shlabotnik still on the bench?
2005-07-01 20:36:39
228.   Jon Weisman
A frustrating career it is, for Joe.

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